Quarter Life Crisis, part 1

Confession: I'm 25 but I still feel like I'm 19.

Not in all aspects, of course, but in the sense that I feel like I'm still unprepared for the real world.

I'm hoping this is normal.

Despite graduating from college almost three years ago, holding multiple internships, doing some freelance work, touring the country for work, and currently having a full-time job, I still feel like the same freaked-out, insecure, (not neurotic or emotional, this isn't "The Italian Job") overwhelmed and indecisive person I was six years ago.

Remember the feeling of panic you'd get whenever a family member or friend asked what you wanted to do with your degree?  That's still how I feel when people ask what my Dream Job is.  (Thankfully people know Executive Assistant is nobody's Dream Job)

The truth is, I feel like I have more than one Dream Job.  Capital D, capital J.  Because I think of it as a thing all together, instead of an adjective describing a verb.  The job of your dreams is important enough to warrant capital letters.  Get over it.

Anyway, I recently came across a posting on Tumblr that sounded like the internship version of my full-time Dream Job.

Lucky Magazine's Creative Services department is looking to hire a paid intern for eleven weeks, starting as soon as possible.  As an intern within our Creative Services department, working specifically on our Lucky Shops event, daily tasks will include designer outreach, event production, press/PR, sample trafficking, gift bag organization and office administration.

Ok, ignoring the office administration part of the job-- that job sounds PERFECT.  Event production!  Press/public relations!  Gift bag organization!  My heart started racing when I read the description of that internship.  For a moment I forgot that I have a full-time job and that I don't live in New York City, and I opened up Word to start drafting a cover letter email.  Then I shook my head and, thankfully, my senses dropped back into place.

My brain and my heart started to duke it out big time.

Brain: "You can't just pick up and leave, you don't even know anyone in New York."

Heart: "No big deal, I can make friends!  People at work, people at the gym, friends of friends I actually have now..."

Brain: "Ok, but what about money?  How do you suppose you'd afford rent and food on an internship 'salary'?"

Heart: "Hello?!  There are a gazillion coffee shops and retail stores, it would be easy peasy to find something part-time."

Brain: "What about after the less-than-three-month internship, d'you really want to be back on the job hunt?  And how would you and Josh see each other?"

Heart: "FINE!!!  You win-- I won't apply for the internship.  I'll stay in Chicago and hope this job leads to something more in the vein of my Dream Job."

So here I am, in the middle of the workday, still wishing I could have that internship.  In my heart I feel 19, so it still wants me to pursue opportunities like that... But my brain knows better.

Why is it so hard to be an adult?  "Don't rush to grow up" is way too vague, people should be honest and tell you it's a pain in the butt to work a job that only sort of suits you, just to pay the bills you don't want to pay and not buy the things you actually want.

Why is it so hard to know what you want and figure out how to get there?